Nina has changed so much in the past year and a half.  She can see it, and coupled with a mixed bag of triggered memories, it translates in to an anxiety-anticipatory short circuited brain for anywhere from 1 week to the minutes before being reunited.  What will he think of me now?  Will she be like she was in China…or will she have changed too?  Will he like the new me?  How should I act/respond?  There are so many additional terrifying emotions whirling around in her head, it is hard to function without driving someone else in the family crazy.  :0)

We arrived and Nina scrambled out of the car without injuring anyone else- thankfully.  It is nice to see her develop a new friendship with her old friends- this time with greater parameters involving a newly developed love and respect for each other.  I can’t even harbor a guess as to how many times Nina has uttered, “I just never knew, mom.  I didn’t know how mean I or anyone else was being.  It’s just what we did and no one told us it was wrong.”  For months after she came home, she was floored at how everyone else knew how to treat each other- what the “relationship rules” were, and how to communicate your concerns without resorting to a “scratch each other’s faces off until someone surrendered and admitted she was wrong”.  Whenever she feels hopeless in understanding relationships- ever, I remind her that everyone else she is comparing herself to has had this instilled in their brains since birth….they have years of “training” that she hasn’t so she should give herself a break and just keep working hard to move forward.   By recognizing that she is trying but struggling and acknowledging her progress, she re-gains her motivation to dive in and keep moving forward.  She does have a clear understanding of how it feels to be the one ostracized, so it usually doesn’t take much to help her see the flip side of most situations.

Past the hyper-excitement and nervous anticipation, it was good to see Nina have time with friends from her past.  They are a part of who she is- and always will be.  They understand each other- in ways we as their new families don’t yet.  There are doors open to each other that we have not been able to peer into.  I believe it is healing to continue these friendships, giving them the opportunity to watch each other grow and change and overcome.  They can encourage each other because they understand each other on a level that can’t be easily articulated.  They are excited about all of their new discoveries and want to share the joy…and the pain that they bring.  I am so thankful that God blessed us with the opportunity for Nina to stay connected with her past life.  I believe it is helping her heal and reconcile everything that happened to her before she became a part of us.  As much as I wish some days that we could just erase her past hurts- tuck them away to be faded and forgotten, I realize that it is better for her to work through them slowly as she can process them and categorize them where they belong.  Staying in contact with her past “family” is a part of that.  Informative conversations that fill in some of the gaps always result, and these discussions usually lead to deeper, heart changing growth in our daughter.

The most refreshing aspect for me that came out of the past 2 weeks was a glimpse into what kind of a sister Nina was shaping into being to Anaia.  Now, I am not foolish enough to delude myself into believing that we are not going to have some big issues crop up and need to be dealt with….what I am encouraged by is the genuine care and concern that pours out of Nina’s heart.   A desire to heal is so clearly driving her.  I know God has a plan for each one of my children.  I see in Nina a heart that God created, gifted us with, and continues to develop.  I see a miracle living in my house- an amazing, struggling, determined, broken, accepting, frustrating miracle who is blessing my life immeasurably.