I have been adamantly trying to figure out some sort of formula that will accurately predict when we will receive our TA.  I haven’t been sleeping well for the last 2 months so I needed something to keep me occupied!  Starting 5 kids in school early so we can travel homework free simply isn’t enough…

Anyway, I finally found out that our article 5 was signed and sent to the CCAA on August 12^th.  I am still dumbfounded that received our LOA on July 2^nd, and that it took almost 6 weeks to get the papers through the channels and back where they belong.  Why anything surprises me in an adoption process anymore is the true mystery…

What I figured out:

If you are lucky enough to be an I-800 family, you need to face the fact that your LOA date, in regard to when you travel, basically means…NOTHING.  When your LOA completes its cycle by receiving the article 5 in Guangzhou and gets sent to the TA office at the CCAA in Beijing, is EVERYTHING.  That date, if you are lucky enough to be informed as to what magic number it is, tells you where you are in line.  (A waiting to return something at IKEA sort of line)  This is only date that the TA office cares about.  Your file gets mixed in with the files of I-600 folks who received their LOA 5-6 weeks after you did and you continue to wait.  (Yes, I do appreciate that the I-600 families waited eons to be matched with their children and as far as I am concerned should be allowed to rocket launch to China.)

OK, to the point.  We pinned our hopes on receiving our TA by the end of the month- 2 months after our LOA was issued.  It didn’t happen.  When that door closed on us, so did our hopes of traveling in September…or the first half of October.  We have closed ourselves up in a giant cloak of denial unable to process our reality.  Truly, now it doesn’t matter if it comes next week or the week after or the week after that.  We can’t leave until the end of October.  Why?  Because Chinese National Day, the Mid Autumn Moon Festival, and the 60^th anniversary of communism all collide to form the biggest party in China’s history.  I would consider this to be a big pull and excitedly anticipate participating in the uncontrolled chaos, if it weren’t for the nasty detail that all government offices close so that employees can all jump on a train, plane, or bus and travel to enjoy the week off.  Lucky for us, this all begins 2 weeks before the insanity ensues in Guangzhou with the trade fair marathon where there is not a taxi or hotel room to be found in the entire city.  (Guangzhou is where the US Consulate is housed and the office who holds our daughter’s visa to come home.)  Just close enough together in a timeline to prevent us from processing all of our adoption paperwork and forcing us to wait another month and a half.

We have looked at this from every possible angle and our calendars all have worn corners and perforations at the bindings from excessive flipping back and forth when counting the days trying to figure out a way to bring our sweet girl home somewhere in the neighborhood of YESTERDAY. 

Pulling words from one of my favorite movies, “My fears are about to collide with my faith.”  There is more to this than a mere month and a half.  There is a pesky little bug labeled H1N1 that is due to return and wreak havoc on innocent people everywhere.  It has quite a rap sheet.  Just this last Spring, it managed to basically halt adoptions for several months, at least in cities like Beijing.   No, this pity party isn’t just about a month and a half delay, it is about the terrifying possibility that we could be in for a much longer wait than we can allow ourselves to imagine…OK, I’ve allowed myself to imagine.

I know that God is sovereign and that His timing is perfect.  I can’t even begin to count the number of times I chant that phrase each and every day.  However, it doesn’t take the terror away because I also know that His timeframe and mine are vastly different and there is something to be gained in every hardship we face.  I am numb with fear that this is going to be another one of those times where He chooses to open my eyes and show me the bigger picture (when  I only want to see my own concerns) or even worse, never allow me to understand at all.

He is forcing me to stare down my honest belief that all truly beautiful things in this life must be difficult.    I stand by my belief…I just don’t feel all that comfortable while standing in the middle of it.

So, I am closing this overly long rant of a post by saying, I just want to bring my little girl home.  I look into the eyes of my children every night and try to comfort them as they also search to understand.  We all share the emptiness of the child who is missing, the one who I cannot comfort.  As I turn to leave each night  Nina asks, “Why would God want her to stay there any longer?  Doesn’t He believe she belongs here?  Where it’s safe?  God loves her too, right?   She has waited 10 years mama.  Isn’t that long enough?  I don’t understand.”  Me either…me either.  As I lean in to kiss her one last time I whisper, “Where understanding ends…faith begins.  We have to hang on to it.  God is not failing us, even when we don’t understand.”