It was interesting- when we went to the courthouse in December to file for permanent guardianship, she was bouncing with happiness and excitement.  Today, she looked just like the day we first met her in China…terrified.  I know she doesn’t understand the process and is confused and worried even though we have explained it to her.  (The first court appearance meant that she could live with us taking care of her as our daughter forever, the second made her our legal daughter where we could change her name on everything.) I know she is concerned about all of the questions, paperwork, interviews and appearances before the judges.  I believe she may be afraid this is going to go on forever…  She had that “deer in the headlights” look all morning.  I think she was startled- after the first court appearance she relaxed and allowed herself to enjoy a feeling of permanency, and then today she had to go back and relive basically the same experience causing her to question whether she was ever going to feel permanent.  Couple that with Anaia still every once and a while referring to her previous family as “Naomi’s mom…or Naomi’s dad… is just enough to leave her unsettled.  I don’t blame Anaia, it is hard for her to digest all of this, but when it happens- like today when she asked if the package that arrived for Naomi was from her mom, I see a blank lost look cast over Naomi’s face that makes my heart ache.  She did recover once we returned home and seemed more at ease.  I am so glad we can put this to rest and move forward now.  We have asked a friend to pick up a few things in China that we have for the other girls- Naomi is disturbed that we don’t have them for her.  I hope she will be successful- she has her hands full right now with her adorable daughter and 2 other children, I think it will go a long way for Naomi to see more “permanent” items being displayed.

To celebrate we had dinner at a pancake house, Naomi’s favorite.  We also gave Naomi a CD with “her song” on it.  Each of our daughter’s has a special song.  With our adopted children it is a song that touched us in a special way while we were going through the painstaking wait of bringing them home.  They are songs that we would listen to when we needed to feel uplifted and closer to our daughters as well as when we just needed to cry out to God over the torture of the wait.  They are songs full of emotion with a message to our daughters speaking of how much they were loved before we had ever met them.  Soon after Naomi came into our home, I heard a song written by an artist I had previously never heard of.  Within the first few seconds of the song, I knew it was meant for Naomi.

“Safe” by Phil Wickham

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone
Have you heard of the One who can calm the raging seas
Give sight to the blind, pull the lame up to their feet
With a love so strong and never let you go
oh you're not alone
You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms
Did you know that the voice that brings the dead to life
Is the very same voice that calls you to rise
So hear Him now He's calling you home
You will never be alone
These are the hands that built the mountains
the hands that calm the seas
These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me
These are hands that healed the leper
Pulled the lame up to their feet
These are the arms that were nailed to a cross
to break our chains and set us free

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

Adopting a 13 year old can, in many ways, be very different from adopting a 10 year old.  They are at a more difficult age emotionally, dealing with so many self-awareness issues before you even get to peel down to the adoption/new family/new expectations life changes they are confronted with.  This is not a journey for the faint of heart or anyone who expects an instant warm fuzzy everything is perfectly perfect transition.  They are more aware of SO MANY things concerning their previous circumstances and future obstacles.  Catching up in school is a terrifying proposition that can seem hopeless.  (Bonding and attachment takes you to a whole new level of creativity and resourcefulness and is a slow moving machine.)  All of this combined with a mind that is not able to properly process any of it.  Total lack of control in any aspect of their lives, totally dependant on strangers for even their very basic of needs with no real reason to trust anyone, awareness without understanding…All packaged up into a hormonal middle-schooler. 

I consider all of my children amazingly brave.  They are all my personal heroes.  They have been handed a pretty heavy plate already in their young lives and all things considered, they are all handling it with more grace than most people handle a small fraction of hurt and sacrifice.  How many of us would even be able to put 2 sentences together if we had to face what they have???  In truth I have trouble putting 2 sentences together most days anyway, but never mind that for now!

Naomi has faced one abrupt transition after another laced with various traumas and disappointments.  That is why the song “Safe” really struck me.  My biggest wish for her is that some day she would truly know the love of her creator and the love we have for her and finally feel safe.  Today marks an important day for her on that journey, even if she doesn’t realize it yet.  Tomorrow she can start building a life on a rock-solid foundation with a permanent identity.  I look forward to the day when she truly understands her situation and it settles her soul.  It is a long journey.  Our daughter Nina who has been home 2 years now, is finally at a point maturity and security wise where it is all starting to sink in and make sense to her.  It has taken 2 solid years of us all completely pouring ourselves into her, showing her we will always be right where we promised, no matter what- but we are making visible headway and it is a beautiful sight to behold.  I know Naomi will also reach these periods of peace and rest on her journey and I will again and again rejoice with her in her discoveries.  I pray that she discovers the wonderful person we all know she is and continues to gain confidence and the inner fire we continuously fuel.