What I quickly came to realize is that it is a learning process with no end.  I am constantly making connections and observations that help me continue chipping away at the walls that seemingly surround my daughters’ hearts.  As is often the case, one of my daughters’ needs are contradictory to her own actions. Not only can she not see what she needs or how to claim it; but she also seems to feed from the adrenaline rush of being in trouble- subconsciously desiring more and more of the negative attention it can bring and not understanding how she got into the self-destructive loop in the first place.  Sadly, she doesn’t have the emotional tool box to stop it from continuing and I can become completely exhausted from trying to help a child who has her heels dug in that she is already an adult and in no need of assistance.  I think this is where many families find themselves at a loss and become critical of the potential for healing and restoration of the family.

Because she couldn’t depend on or trust anyone for the first 10 years of her life, she is still constantly trying to be the one in charge, not just of herself- but everyone else too.  When is she at her best, sweet and kind and helpful?  When she is in the presence of someone having a meltdown, difficult time, etc.  Then she shines and is the “dream child” that surpasses all understanding.  She goes into "mama" mode where she tries to counsel and rehabilitate the afflicted individual.  (The interesting part is, in the moment, she is quite good at it, she uses everything we have been trying to pour into her in order to help the person in need.  She doesn’t recognize the need in herself mind you, but she is very adept in recognizing it in others...) HOWEVER, what is most disdainful is that we cannot for a moment relish in it.  The aftermath is more than any of us can bear at times.  It breaks our hearts that time and time again, after the first single word of praise and encouragement about her behavior/choices/helpfulness/kindness turns her into a hideous beast of sorts.  She becomes amazingly bossy with everyone- including her older sisters- and with us as her parents.  She takes matters into her own hands (which at times moves into the “unsafe” category of living because she isn’t really emotionally capable of making sound decisions, especially at the level she is trying to make them) and overrides my authority the minute I am out of earshot.  Are we making progress?  Absolutely!  Is it the leaps and bounds mode of transportation we dreamed we would be taking at the beginning of the journey?  Absolutely not.

All that being said, our relationship is growing and blooming, as it is with my other 2 daughters adopted at an older age, as well as my children adopted at younger ages, as well as with my biological children...and I need to constantly remind myself that each one of those relationships is unique with it’s own set of circumstances and history.  It does take time to build a history, a relationship, why do we often buy into the myth that we can create this history in a year or two when we had 5+ times that much with our other children?  It is much easier to bond with children that have been with you since they were young and needy, they learn to accept your nurturing and wisdom in teaching them about the world.  They have not learned that adults are not dependable and that the only one they can truly depend on is themselves.  What we can see with our older adopted children is a child who doesn't need any assistance in her own mind- That’s difficult to cuddle up with. 

I love all of my children.  But, what is our definition of love?  And, how should it be felt?  Should it be measured and compared?  If so, to what?  I believe that love is an ever-changing, ever-growing sort of emotion, filled with effort and patience and understanding- on both sides.  Unconditional?  Truly?  Do any of us love without the hope of it being returned in some form some day?   Or without anticipation of the feeling giving it provides us?  When I think of what LOVE means to me, I always turn my focus on the kind of love God has for me.  Oh, if I could give that love.  I am a pain in the neck.  I don't always like to listen, often disobey and whine about the consequences, complain about compliance, don't focus on His words often enough, don’t always follow through with my promises, and quite often think that I have a "better plan".  Hmmmm, sound familiar?  God loves me the same through it all.  This really helps me discern the type of love I need to try to have for and show all of my children.  It is easier to feel the emotional rush of love toward a child who is responsive, needy, or obedient---but love is much deeper and more complex than that.  It is a dig down deep - pull from everything you have within you to give them what they need even when they act like they want you to take a flying leap and you want to be somewhere else anyway -sort of love.  It is the love God has for me and it is hard, hard, hard to attempt to give out sometimes-  especially when we are wired to thirst for it as well.  We need to remember that our children are also wired this way- it’s just that their circuitry has blown a fuse…or 20, and they don’t have the ability to re-connect and show their vulnerabilities- it  is way too terrifying and could overload their motherboards!  Most of us know this intellectually.  We have read every book we can find, listened to lectures, and attended seminars dipicting all sorts of perspectives on the issue.  What does that mean in the day to day emotional rollercoaster we get tossed onto every morning and then get thrown off of every night?  That is where the true difficulty lies- where we are left doubting ourselves and our decisions, where we fear we may never make it back to the kiddie-playground type rides that we thought were difficult to endure in the “days before”.

I think a part of the “remaining sane” process involves allowing ourselves to let go of some of the fantasies we have about our beginning relationships.  We bond with infants rather easily.  They need us for everything.  They turn to us with every problem or concern.  They look up to us for help and advice.  It is a beautiful "mom centered" world where we can solve every hurt and satisfy our own need to be loved by their responses to our attention.  That is not what is often laid before us in the case of older child adoption.  We are not the center of the universe for them...I like to hope I am now in the same galaxy with one of my daughters after 2 years...  Lastly, I have to remind myself that this time in our relationship is all about teaching them how to love, how to trust, for however long it takes- that is my commitment to them.  There is nothing in their file cabinet of a brain for them to pull out and reference for these new feelings and emotions like there is for me.  Those memories have to be written, filed, and accessed several times before being accepted.  In other words, right now it is not necessarily about my own feelings or needs in regard to what my children are capable of giving me- that is for later, at times seemingly much later.  Right now it is about focusing on trying to pour everything I have- and even some that I don't have into their "need vacuum" souls in hopes that they will grab a hold and allow themselves to be pulled out so they can start building real relationships.  My job is to define love for them using God’s definition and imprint it deeply in their beings.

What is crucial for having any chance of actually being able to pull any of this off?  Support.  Not trying to do it alone.  Finding friends who can empathize and won’t judge.  There are countless numbers of us out here who will listen and wonder how someone we have never met possibly could have been living in our own living rooms the last few years undetected- people living parallel lives that we can vent and cry to that won’t try to fix everything, but will laugh and cry along with us.  Most importantly, remembering to keep the incredible faith that God didn't lead any of us here to walk away in the middle of the story.  He is a God of promises fulfilled.  He doesn’t build us anything that we can’t stand on.  The key is remembering that He is the author and only He has the answers and can see the final chapters.  When we are at our lows, He is there crying with us ready to restore us and send us back for round 3, 13, or 188-  or where ever we may be in the journey.